how cynical are you?

You Are 60% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist. You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.

How Cynical Are You?

*this is redundant. don't state the obvious. harhar..

memory low. please close all applications.

isang pagtutut ng aking nyelpon (o ha, baklese) kasunod ang ganitong mensahe:

"sedness nga, pero ayus na rin. ikaw talaga yan carrie na nag-crash ang notebook. malay mo naman symbolic din yan mare."

kudos, dylan dahil naisingit pa 'yan. ako ma'y 'di ko maiisip 'yung ganyan. you're so witty! hehe. sa totoo, parang ang galing ng pagkakataon. ewan ko ba kung me ESP lang talaga ang buhay at isa shang concerned citizen para sa welfare ko, o isang sadistang in-mate na lalu pang dinidiinan kahit na alam na nitong nasasaktan ka na. ewan ko ba. basta swak.

nagsimula ang lahat nang nagma-gee ako't naisip maging friendly sa mga tao. pagkatapos mag-unli (naks, parang high school) ay namili ako ng isang linya mula sa librong binabasa ko sa kasalukuyan at ipinadala sa halos dalawampung numero sa aking phonebook. sure enough, tulad ng madalas nang nangyayari ay nag-hang ang cp ko (woah, pubescent). pinatay ko ito't nang binuksang muli ay nagbura ako ng mga walang kawawaan at ipinagpatuloy ang aking "ms. congeniality gesture". parang hindi pa nakuntento ay nag-hang na naman ang lintek, at hindi na nakayanan ang pagre-restart lamang. ayus na sana dahil maipagagawa ko naman sha kinabukasan, pero nagmistula akong hubo't hubad dahil viernes nun, at meron kaming lingguhang tipanan na hindi nauudlot. to make the long story short, umuwi ako kinagabihan na sober. aheytit.

nalungkot ako hindi dahil 'di ako makapagtext sa mga tao. infamous na kasi ako sa hindi pagre-reply sa kanila. hehe. pero nanghinayang ako sa mga mensaheng naipon ko sa nagdaang isang taon at dalawang buwan, at sa dalawang folder na naglalaman ng mga pagbati sa 'kin ng mga ka-berks sa aking kaarawan. buti na lang at meron akong memory card, na-spare ang mga piksur at bidyo. pero tulad ng sabi ni dylan, siguro nga ay symbolic ang nangyari. kailangan ko na ng major overhaul na 'di matuluy-tuloy dahil sa in-denial pa rin ako, ngunit pinabilis na lang ng ganitong pagha-hang. sa sobrang dami ng isyung kinaharap ko, at sa sobrang lalim ng sakit na kinasadlakan ko, 'yun na siguro ang pinaka-lohikal na mangyari.

nakakatawa dahil nang naipagawa ko na ang aking mobile phone (you're so yuppy!) ay 'di naman gumagana ang bluetooth. siguro parang sa buhay din na may mga tao o bagay na 'di mo maisasama sa iyong paglalakbay. oh well, pedi naman ulit bumili ng panibago. hehe.

and the Emmy goes to..

Winners at Sunday's 59th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards presented by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (by The Associated Press)

DRAMA SERIES: "The Sopranos," HBO.

COMEDY SERIES: "30 Rock," NBC.

MINISERIES: "Broken Trail," AMC.

VARIETY, MUSIC or COMEDY SERIES: "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart," Comedy Central.

MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE: "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee," HBO.

REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM: "The Amazing Race," CBS.

ACTOR, Drama Series: James Spader, "Boston Legal," ABC.

ACTOR, Comedy Series: Steve Carell, "The Office," NBC.

ACTOR, Miniseries or Movie: Robert Duvall, "Broken Trail," AMC.

ACTRESS, Drama Series: Sally Field, "Brothers & Sisters," ABC.

ACTRESS, Comedy Series: America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty," ABC.

ACTRESS, Miniseries or Movie: Helen Mirren, "Prime Suspect: The Final Act (Masterpiece Theatre)," PBS.

SUPPORTING ACTOR, Drama Series: Terry O'Quinn, "Lost," ABC.

SUPPORTING ACTOR, Comedy Series: Jeremy Piven, "Entourage," HBO.

SUPPORTING ACTOR, Miniseries or Movie: Thomas Haden Church, "Broken Trail," AMC.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS, Drama Series: Katherine Heigl, "Grey's Anatomy," ABC.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS, Comedy Series: Jaime Pressly, "My Name Is Earl," NBC.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS, Miniseries or Movie: Judy Davis, "The Starter Wife," USA.

DIRECTING, Drama Series: "The Sopranos: Kennedy and Heidi," HBO.

DIRECTING, Comedy Series: "Ugly Betty: Pilot," ABC.

WRITING, Drama Series: "The Sopranos: Made in America," HBO.

WRITING, Comedy Series: "The Office: Gay Witch Hunt," NBC.

WRITING, Variety, Music or Comedy Program: Late Night With Conan O'Brien," NBC.

*at least you know what to watch next time. a better alternative to your daily dose of game shows & soap operas, don't you think?

putanginamo.

ngayon lang ako nagalit ng sobra-sobra sa isang tao. akala ko pa nga dati parang imposible. dahil alam ng mga taong nakapaligid sa 'kin na madali akong mainis, pero kung gaano man kabilis magpanting ang mga tenga ko e ganun din naman kadaling humupa nun, sa pinakamababaw na mga paraan.

hindi ako nagsisising minura kita. kung tutuusin nga, kulang pa 'yun sa lahat ng mga pambabalahurang ginawa mo sa 'kin. "alien" sa sistema ko ang galit kaya nang maramdaman ko 'yun sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon, pagmumura ang naibulalas ko. kung pwede nga lang kitang patayin, why not? i'll be elated to do so. BUT YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT.

tapos na 'ko sa paghahabol sa 'yo. sa paglilinis sa mga kalat mo. sa pagpapa-realize sa 'yo kung ano ang halaga ko. sa pagtatagpi-tagpi ng reta-retaso mong buhay. sa dami ng alam ko sa buhay mo, at sa lalim din ng pagkakakilala ko sa 'yo, NAKAKAAWA KA. may respeto man ako sa narating natin, kung ganito ka naman ka-bastos, hindi ako magkikiming itapon lahat 'yun. masyado mong sinagad ang pasensya ko.

patuloy mong kumbinsihin ang sarili mong masaya ka. but you can only do as much. eventually, you'll get tired. and all of your demons will catch up on you, then eat you alive. when that happens, i'll be far enough for you to not bother me anymore.

'nga pala, MATAKOT KA SA KARMA. digital na 'yun ngayon.

CAMBIOmatic

i'm still in awe after seeing cambio perform last night at the capitol.

blushes and i came all the way from preschool training and a not-so-good-but-i-was-full merienda at paulo's, not to mention that we have one nasty hangover from a drinking spree at citywalk the night before, we braved through heavy (re: frustrating) traffic at the nlex just to attend SINGKABAN. come to think of it, ever since that festival came to our awareness, we have been showing up every year.

dylan was a bit under the weather that night, but still managed to show up (kudos, mother!). we then loitered around, ate provent & fishballs at the police-infested grounds of crossing, and even made room for a bottle of beer at starmart with the sugarfriends. although all we heard were substandard covers of hale, sponge cola, and "recycled" mind: there were the chikiting patrolers of chicken pox & the bulutong boys shocking the audience with their version of the wuds' original "inosente lang ang nagtataka"; the kiko-machinesque antics of salabat (salamat naman at pinagpahinga n'yo na ang tsinelas); and the flailing screams of kilometer 54 doing the hagibis' "katawan" with kuya borta on the helm after an eight-minute serenade that was "in keeping secrets of silent earth: 3".

it was a long and dragging wait for cambio (we don't give a shit about join the club), and our bodies were ready to shut down, but we were entertained by ate jubiz's short E & long E blunders. mockery was our most favorite past time. har har har.

then finally, cambio came on. diego "poging-pogi" mapa got thinner. ebe dancel, surprisingly, was a little sober. buddy zabala just stayed in one corner (as always), and flicked his bass with those oh-so-smooth fingers. kris gorra-dancel looked refreshed despite the long drive from makati to malolos wearing her 80s montage outfit. and raimund marasigan (but he'll always be "lemon" to me) is still one hell of a drummer despite all the hoo ha's. they started the set with "DV", followed by new tracks "shopaholica" and "call center", then climaxed with "patlang". too bad my arms weren't that long to grab hold of those posters.

dylan, blushes, and i would like to believe we had a moment there with kris, but our request for "ledgeboy" was too late. tsk tsk. but she acknowledged our presence, and that's good enough for me. anyway, it was good to have another "alone time" with the charmed ones. as blushes would say: "ayus naman tayo nung tayo-tayo lang e. nagkagulo lang nung nagkaroon ng additional characters". true.

"i miss myself"

wait. i'll light a cigarette first before i begin to write this. there.

matagal kong pinag-isipan kung kailangan ko pa bang isulat 'to. dahil unang-una, ngayon ko lang natutunan na 'di ko kailangang i-validate o ipaliwanag sa mga tao kung bakit ko ginawa o sinabi ang isang bagay, maliban na lang sa "inyo" na tunay na nakakakilala at may pakialam sa 'kin. pero susubukin ko na rin.

uumpisahan ko sa pagsasabing hindi man ako ang "shiny happy person" na matatawag, gusto ko kung nasaan ako ngayon. 'di ko na kailangang umiyak o pagurin ang sarili ko para lang makatulog. nakakaya ko na ding mag-stay ng matagal sa kama ko pagka-gising nang hindi humahagulgol. hindi na rin ako stuck up sa paghihintay sa text messages na hindi naman dumadating. nalalasing ako ngayon hindi dahil problemado ako kung hindi dahil nag-eenjoy ako't maraming naiinom. siguro sasabihin ng ibang tao, "e ano naman ngayon kung nagagawa mo 'yun? para namang big deal". but i don't give a shit. maybe those are baby steps for you, but you can't hide the fact that i'm moving. and that's all that matters.

at sa iyo: don't flatter yourself too much taking in all the credit for what you call "helping me move on because it's been going on too goddamn long". you thought what you're doing is "helping", but the truth of the matter is, you never did. maybe that is what you'll do if you were in my shoes, but you never considered what i think and feel. i moved on because i learned the word "self-respect" again. and you can recite "i miss myself" all you want but it wouldn't make things better. it wouldn't change the fact that you've turned your back on the one thing that kept you sane. what a pity.

xs.
sorry jayson if i have to keep that "anger" inside me. i have to. it'll serve as my "whack-in-the-head" when i get all mushy and gullible again. but it won't be long, i'll live with it eventually.