"i miss myself"

wait. i'll light a cigarette first before i begin to write this. there.

matagal kong pinag-isipan kung kailangan ko pa bang isulat 'to. dahil unang-una, ngayon ko lang natutunan na 'di ko kailangang i-validate o ipaliwanag sa mga tao kung bakit ko ginawa o sinabi ang isang bagay, maliban na lang sa "inyo" na tunay na nakakakilala at may pakialam sa 'kin. pero susubukin ko na rin.

uumpisahan ko sa pagsasabing hindi man ako ang "shiny happy person" na matatawag, gusto ko kung nasaan ako ngayon. 'di ko na kailangang umiyak o pagurin ang sarili ko para lang makatulog. nakakaya ko na ding mag-stay ng matagal sa kama ko pagka-gising nang hindi humahagulgol. hindi na rin ako stuck up sa paghihintay sa text messages na hindi naman dumadating. nalalasing ako ngayon hindi dahil problemado ako kung hindi dahil nag-eenjoy ako't maraming naiinom. siguro sasabihin ng ibang tao, "e ano naman ngayon kung nagagawa mo 'yun? para namang big deal". but i don't give a shit. maybe those are baby steps for you, but you can't hide the fact that i'm moving. and that's all that matters.

at sa iyo: don't flatter yourself too much taking in all the credit for what you call "helping me move on because it's been going on too goddamn long". you thought what you're doing is "helping", but the truth of the matter is, you never did. maybe that is what you'll do if you were in my shoes, but you never considered what i think and feel. i moved on because i learned the word "self-respect" again. and you can recite "i miss myself" all you want but it wouldn't make things better. it wouldn't change the fact that you've turned your back on the one thing that kept you sane. what a pity.

xs.
sorry jayson if i have to keep that "anger" inside me. i have to. it'll serve as my "whack-in-the-head" when i get all mushy and gullible again. but it won't be long, i'll live with it eventually.