..para bang meron kang karay-karay na buntong-hiningang 'di matuluy-tuloy..

malungkot ako. kahit man lang dito e masabi ko 'yung totoo. 'di naman kasi ako 'yung tao na kusang nag-oopen ng mga saloobin ko sa iba. nasubukan ko na sha dati pero nadala na 'ko, wala naman kasing nakikinig, sinasabi nilang naiintindihan nila pero hindi. at saka 'pag nakarinig pa 'ko uli ng "everything's gonna be alright", magsasaksak na 'ko. (or better yet, 'yung nagsabi na lang nun ang babaunan ko ng ice pick sa lalamunan, at habang nagdidilim na ang paningin n'ya dahil sa internal hemorrhage, saka ko sasabihin 'yung bullshit na sinabi n'ya para maramdaman n'ya 'yun first-hand. bwahaha.) ayoko din namang ma-spotlight dahil kung tutuusin, 'di hamak na alikabok lang ang problema ko kung ikukumpara sa ga-bundok na pasakit na dala-dala ng milyun-milyong Pilipinong hanggang ngayon ay nagpapalabuy-laboy sa kawalang-katiyakan at patuloy na binubusog ang sarili sa mga mumo ng nagdaang eleksyon. kaya madalas, sariling sikap: hangga't maitatago, itago. expert na nga ata ako sa ganun, professional con artist kumbaga. ginawa ko nang backpack 'yung responsibilidad na maging (at manatiling) matatag, dahil maraming nakasandig sa 'kin. 'di ko peding isangkalan ang buhay ng iba para sa ilang minutong pag-atake ng self-pity. "i should always be my perky self." pero habang tumatagal, parang 'di ko na kayang daanin na lang sa kembot ('di rin. -blushes). napapansin ko ngayon na mentras itinatago ko 'yung sakit, 'yung lungkot, unti-unti akong nadudurog; na habang inaangat ko 'yung iba e ako naman 'yung naiiwan. pero ang mas magara, ayus na 'ko sa ganun. naramdaman mo na ba 'yung parang sumisid ka sa ilalim ng dagat 'tapos habang pabalik ka na sa ibabaw e naubusan ka na ng hangin, kahit wala ka pa sa kalahati? nagsisimula ka nang mag-panic, at kahit na alam mong ang pagsikad lang ng mabilis paitaas ang pinaka-rasyunal na gawin, 'di mo pa din magawa dahil ang una pang pumasok sa isip mo e 'yung hayaan na lang na sumaktong 100% ang water content ng katawan mo at maging pagkain ng mga isda? madalas ko 'yung nararamdaman ngayon, mula sa panunuod ng tv hanggang sa simpleng pagtulala lang. minsan nga ayoko nang naiiwang mag-isa dahil natatakot na 'ko sa sarili ko, at sa kung anu 'yung kaya kong gawin oras na panawan ako ng bait. gumawa na din ako ng journal: nakalagay dun lahat ng naiisip at nararamdaman ko sa sarili ko, sa ibang tao, at sa mga bagay-bagay, @ specific times of the day. sabi ni ursula (ang aking imaginary friend na me imaginary friend din) na ang paghihimay-himay ng mga isyu e makakatulong upang masolusyunan ko ang mga iyon. pero sa esensya, pinadadali ko lang ang buhay ng mga taong nakapaligid sa 'kin sakali mang dumating 'yung araw na kailangan na 'kong i-admit sa mandaluyong. 'yun na. hindi ito isang fairytale na me "and they lived happily ever after" sa ending. ayoko. dahil 'di laging ganun. kaya gustuhin ko mang gawan ng paraan, 'di ko lam kung panu, at parang pagod na 'ko. nabanggit ko lang.

everyday

*dahil sa may magic sing kami, ayokong kumanta.*

the space between
dave matthews band

you cannot quit me so quickly
is no hope in you for me
no corner you could squeeze me
but i've got all the time for you, love

the space between
the tears we cry is the laughter
that keeps us coming back for more

the space between
the wicked lies we tell
to keep us safe from the pain

will i hold you again
these fickle fuddled words confuse me
like will it rain today
we waste the hours with talking, talking
these twisted games we're playing
we're strange allies with warring hearts
what a wild eyed beast you be

look at us spinning out in the madness of a rollercoaster
you know you went off like the devil in the church
un the middle of a crowded room
all we can do my love
is hope we don't take this ship down

the space between
where you smile and hide
that's where you'll find me if i get to go

the space between
the bullets in our fire fight
is where i'll be hiding, waiting for you

the rain that falls splashed in your heart
ran like sadness down the window into your room

the space between
our wicked lies is the hope to keep safe from pain
take my hand cause we're walking out of here
right out of here is all we need dear

the space between
what's wrong and right
is where you'll find me hiding,
waiting for you

the space between
your heart and mind
is the space we'll fill with time

return to saturn

You Are From Uranus

You shine with brilliant creativity, and you're more than a little eccentric. You love everything unusual and shocking. You're one far-out chick or dude. Anything unconventional excites you - and you have genius potential. Just don't let your rebel side get the best of you, or else you'll alienate everyone. Your original thinking and funky attitude is all you need to be you.

What Planet Are You From?

..and for a moment i lose myself, wrapped up in the pleasures of the world..

You are "Thirty-Three" from the album
"Mellon Collie and the Infinite
Sadness."


What Smashing Pumpkins Song Are You (lots of outcomes)?
brought to you by Quizilla

a whiter shade of pale (5th of 5 parts)

TALAMAUR
a living vampire found in Australia. this creature could communicate with the spirit world, making one of these spirits its servant, then send it among the living. one version of the TALAMAUR could send out its soul to drain the remaining life essence from a fresh corpse.

TLACIQUES
vampiric witches found among the Nahuatl Indians of Mexico. they can turn into a ball of flame or into a turkey, in which they can feed unnoticed.

UBOUR
a Bulgarian vampire, created when a person dies violently or the spirit refuses to leave the body. the corpse remains buried for forty days and then arises to cause mischief. it generally won't drink blood until its other sources of nourishment are gone, and as these include regular food, the attacking of humans rarely occur. the UBOUR is said to create sparks by its movement.

UPIER
a Polish vampire that is unusual in the fact that it rises at midday and returns to sleep at midnight. it is said to have a barbed tongue and consumes vast quantities of blood. this creature's fascination with blood goes much further than normal vampires, as it sleeps in blood as well.

UPIR
a vampire found in Ukraine, which is noted for its desire to eat large amounts of fish.

UPYR
a Russian vampire considered to be extremely vicious. it will first attack children and then continue on to kill the parents. as with the UPIER, the UPYR rises during the day and sleeps at night, and in doing so, has a fairly human appearance.

USTREL
a Bulgarian vampire that preys exclusively on cattle, and is thought to be the spirit of an unbaptized child that has recently died.

UTUKKU
a Babylonian vampire spirit sometimes viewed as a demon. it is generally believed to be the spirit of a recently deceased person that has returned from the grave.

VARACOLACI
a Romanian vampire that ranks among the most powerful of all the undead. it is said to have the ability to cause both lunar and solar eclipses. they may appear as pale humans with dry skin, and can travel on an astral thread, the midnight spinning, traveling as far as needed, as long as the thread remains unbroken.

VOLKODLAK
a species of vampire found in Slovenia, linked in some ways to various werewolf legends.

VOURDALAK
a Russian vampire considered in folklore to be a beautiful but evil woman.

VRYKOLAKAS
a species of vampire found in the Adriatic and Aegean regions, created by having an immoral life. it travels in the dark and knocks upon doors, calling out the name of someone inside, and if the person responds, they will die soon after. it gains further powers as it grows older.

VRYKOLATIOS
a vampire species found on the island of Santorini. they are described as fiends which banquet on the living.

ZMEU
a vampiric figure found in Moldavia. it takes the form of a flame and enters the room of a young girl or widow. once inside, the flame becomes a man who will seduce her.

a whiter shade of pale (4th of 5 parts)

OBAYIFO
a living vampire found among the Ashanti people of the Gold Coast in Africa. it is said to be either male or female, which leaves its human body at night and feeds. said to be particularly fond of young children, it can also cause blight in crops.

OHYN
a vampire from Poland, caused by the presence of teeth and a caulk at birth.

PACU PATI
a powerful vampire from India. the creature is deemed lord of all beings of mischief, and is seen at night in cemeteries and places of execution.

PELESIT
a Malaysian spirit vampire. it invades a person's body, causing illness and death. victims will rant and rave while under its possession.

PENANGGALAN
a Malaysian vampire, which flies at night with only the head and neck of its body complete, and with its intestines dangling beneath them. the creature is always female, and generally feeds on children and women in labor.

PIJAVICA
a Slovenian vampire. it is created as a result of evils perpetrated during a person's mortal life, particularly incest, which is guaranteed to cause one's return as a member of the undead. it generally feeds on relatives or descendents.

PISACHA
a vampire from India, said to be a creature created by humanity's vices. while it is in general an evil deity, its favorite past time is the consumption of fresh corpses. it can also cure diseases, if enticed, too.

POLONG
a vampiric imp from Malaysia, created by bottling the blood of a murdered man and performing certain archaic rituals over the bottle. a bond is made between the creator of the POLONG and itself by allowing it to feed briefly each day on a finger. it is closely associated with the PELESIT.

RAKSHASA
a vampire from India, whose name translates as "the injurer". it assumes the form of a beautiful woman, luring men to their deaths. in the newer legends, the RAKSHASA is said to live in trees, and induces vomiting and indigestion to people who stray into its territory. a child will be transformed into such a creature if he/she can be induced to eat human brains.

RAMANGA
a living vampire found in Madagascar. a servant of the tribal leaders, the RAMANGA would consume the nail clippings and spilled blood of a noble member of the tribe.

STREGONI BENEFICI
an Italian vampire said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of all evil vampires.

STRIGES
a female witch-vampire, which could transform into a crow and would then drink the blood of humans. it is classified among the living vampires.

STRIGOII
the infamous Romanian dead vampire. there are numerous ways to become a STRIGOII, including being a seventh son, and by suicide. generally, it is said to be friendly towards the Gypsies.

SUCCUBUS
a female vampire, a fiend that visits men in their sleep to torment their dreams and engage them in sex. the SUCCUBUS could render a victim totally exhausted in its pursuit of carnal pleasure.

a whiter shade of pale (3rd of 5 parts)

LAMIA
a Libyan vampire. according to legend, LAMIA was a queen of Libya, and all her children were slain by the goddess Hera. in revenge, she still roams the earth feeding on infants. she is also said to entice men into sex and then devours them in a gruesome fashion.

LANGSUIR
a Malaysian vampire said to take the form of a beautiful woman. a woman can become such a creature if she dies in childbirth. she is said to have extremely long nails, dressed in green robes, and have black hair that hangs down to her ankles.

LEANHAUM-SHEE
an Irish fairy mistress, not actually a vampire but engaging in vampiric activities. she uses her incredible beauty to lure men to her side, and then use her charms to place them under her spell. the victim would then waste away as she slowly drains away his life's essence through exhaustive love making.

LOBISHOMEN
a Brazilian vampire that preys mainly on women. it does not actually kill its victims, but instead draw small amounts of blood. after its attack, the woman begins to display nymphomanical tendencies.

LOOGAROO
a West Indian vampire said to go to a "Devil's Tree" each night and remove its skin. it then flies off in search of its victims, in the form of a sulfurous ball.

LUGAT
a form of Albanian vampire said to be reasonably harmless, only feeding briefly on its victims, not actually killing them.

MARA
a Slavic vampire also found in the legends of the Kashube people of Canada. said to be the spirit of an unbaptized dead girl, she is considered to be a terrible night visitor who crushes and oppresses her victims. in the Slavic legend, once the MARA drinks the blood of a man, she will fall in love with him, and will return to plague his slumbers until his death.

MASAN
a vampire from India, usually the ghost of a child, that delights in tormenting and killing children. the MASAN is said to be able to curse a child that walks in its shadow. it will also follow a woman home should she allow her gown dragged on the ground over his shadow.

MASANI
a female vampire from India said to be the spirit of burial grounds. she is black in appearance. her hunts are conducted at night, starting as she emerges from a funeral pyre, and anyone who passes the burial site will be attacked.

MORMO
a vampire from Greek mythology. said to be a servant of the goddess Hecate, she is considered to be a terrible denizen of the underworld.

MOROII
a living Romanian vampire. it can either be male or female, and exhibits most of the characteristics of a STRIGOII.

MURONI
a kind of vampire found in the Wallachia region of Romania. it is said to have the ability to change itself into a variety of different animal forms. while in one of these incarnations, the MURONI can kill easily, with misleading signs of attack being left.

NACHZEHER
a vampire found among the Kashubes of northern Europe. this vampire has the ability to kill its relatives by psychic means. while in its grave, the vampire will begin to devour its shroud, and then pieces of its own flesh. this causes living relatives to begin to waste away.

NELAPSI
a Slovak vampire able to massacre entire villages in a single visit. it also has the ability to kill with a single glance.

NEUNTOTER
a German vampire, considered to be a great carrier of plagues and pestilence, traditionally seen in times of great epidemics.

NOSFERATU
a Romanian species of vampire said to be the illegitimate child of parents who are also illegitimate. soon after its burial, the NOSFERATU embarks on a long career of destruction. it delights in tormenting and engaging in wild orgies with the living. the male can also father children. the vampire hates newly married couples due to its own illegitimacy and wreaks its revenge on such couples by making the groom impotent and the bride barren.

a whiter shade of pale (2nd of 5 parts)

DANAG
a Filipino vampire held to be very ancient as a species, responsible for having planted taro on the islands long ago. the DANAG worked with humans for many years, but the partnership ended one day when a woman cut her finger, then a DANAG sucked her wound. it enjoyed the taste so much that it drained the woman's body completely out of blood.

DEARG-DUE
a dreaded creature of Ireland, whose name means "Red Blood Sucker", and an ancient vampire that dates back to Celtic times. the only way to curb its predations is to pile stones upon any grave suspected of housing such a beast. the most famous tale of the DEARG-DUE is the story of a beautiful woman buried in Waterford, in a small churchyard near Strongbows Tree. she supposedly rises from her grave several times a year, using her stunning appearance to lure men to their doom.

DOPPELSAUGER
a German vampire found in northern regions among the Wends (a Slavic race). a child once weaned would become a vampire if he/she should nurse again. on its passing into a vampire, the DOPPELSAUGER will eat the fleshy parts of its breast, and in doing so, will draw out the life's essence from a living relative.

EKIMMU
one of the most feared of the ancient vampires, found among the Assyrians and Babylonians. it is said to be a departed spirit, the soul of a dead person unable to find peace, wandering over the earth waiting to attack. a person can become an EKIMMU by violent/premature death, an unfulfilled love, or an improper burial.

EMPUSAS
a vampiric creature from Greek mythology, said to be in attendance to the goddess Hecate. they are described as demons, which can take into a human form from time to time. their most common incarnation seems to have been in the form of a Phoenician woman.

ERETICA
a Russian vampire usually considered to be a heretic who has returned from the dead. in general, it is said to be a woman who sold her soul and returned in the form of a ragged old woman. at nightfall, a group of Ereticy would gather in ravines and perform a form of Sabbath. said to be active only in spring and autumn, it is believed that seeing the eyes of such a creature would result in a slow withering death.

ESTRIE
a female Hebrew spirit who assumes the shape of a vampire. the ESTRIE is considered to be an incorporeal spirit of evil that has taken the form of flesh and blood, and lives among humanity to satisfy its need for blood.

GAYAL
a vampiric spirit from India, created due to the death of a man who has no one to properly perform the burial rites at his funeral. when he returns, the GAYAL seeks his revenge upon the sons of his relatives.

IMPUNDULU
a vampiric servant of a witch found in the eastern Cape region of Africa, usually passed down from mother to daughter, and used to inflict suffering on one's enemies. it is said to have an insatiable appetite and needs to be continuously fed. the IMPUNDULU usually takes the form of handsome man, and becomes a lover to its mistress.

INCUBUS
one of the most famous forms of vampires, the male form of the SUCCUBUS, the INCUBUS visits women at night, makes love to them, and torments their dreams. it possesses all the characteristic properties of a vampire, with nightly visits to its victims, draining them of life and strength, and extreme sexual desire. like vampires found among the Gypsy and Slavic communities, the INCUBUS can also father children.

JARACAS
a Brazilian vampire, believed to appear in the form of a snake, feeds on the breasts of a woman by pushing the child out of the way and silencing it by pushing its tail into the child's mouth.

JIGARKHWAR
a vampiric sorceress found in the Sind region of India. she feeds by extracting a person's liver through a piercing stare and various incantations. the liver is then cooked on a fire and eaten, at which time, the victim dies.

KASHA
a Japanese vampire that feeds by removing corpses from graves, or prior to cremation, and then devouring them.

KOZLAK
a Dalamtian vampire prevalent among Croatian beliefs.

KUANG-SHI
a Chinese vampire caused by the demonic possession of a recently deceased corpse. it is said to have a terrifying appearance, and as it matures, gains new skills, with the older rumored to have the ability to fly.

a whiter shade of pale (1st of 5 parts)

"throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons,

there is no figure so terrible,

no figure so dreaded and abhorred,

yet dight with such fearful fascination,

as the vampire,

who is himself neither ghost nor demon,

but yet partakes the dark natures

and possesses the mysterious and terrible qualities of both."
[rev montague summers]

ADZE
a vampire spirit that dwells in tribal sorcerers among the Ewe, a people inhabiting parts of southeastern Ghana and southern Togo in Africa. the ADZE flies around in the form of a firefly but, if caught, changes into a human. it drinks blood, palm oil, and coconut water, and preys on children, especially handsome ones.

ALGUL
an Arabic vampire, when translated means horse leech, or a bloodsucking jinn. this form of vampire is traditionally a female demon that feasts upon dead babies and inhabits cemeteries.

ALP
a German vampiric spirit associated with the boogeyman and the incubus, normally tormenting the dreams of women. long connected with nightmares, the ALP is considered to be the spirit of a recently deceased relative, most often, an actual demon. children can become an ALP when a mother uses a horse collar to ease childbirth. during the Middle Ages, the ALP was said to appear as a cat, pig, or bird, including a lecherous demon dog seen in Cologne, thus linking the werewolf in with this legend. in all its manifestations, the ALP is known to wear a hat, and its spirit can fly like a bird, ride like a horse, and is credited with a certain gallant attitude, rarely forcing itself on its prey. the ALP drinks blood from the nipples of men and children, but prefers the milk of women.

ASANBOSAM
a vampire found in Africa, known among the Ashanti of southern Ghana and by people in areas of the Ivory Coast and Togo. the ASANBOSAM is believed to reside in deep forests, most often encountered by hunters. it is of general human shape, but with two exceptions: its teeth are made out of iron, and its legs have hook-like appendages. anyone walking by the tree in which it resides will be scooped up and killed.

ASWANG
a vampire from the Philippines, believed to be a beautiful female by day, and a fearsome flying fiend by night. the ASWANG lives a normal life at daytime, but at night, however, it is led to the houses of its victims by night birds. its nourishment is blood, and prefers to feed on children. the creature is recognized by its swollen form after feeding, which looks almost pregnant. if the ASWANG licks a person's shadow, it is believed that the person will die soon afterwards.

BAJANG
a Malaysian vampire, assumed to be male, appearing as a cat and normally threatens children. the BAJANG can be enslaved and turned into a demon servant, and is often handed down from one generation to the next within a family. it is kept in a tabong (bamboo vessel) protected by various charms. while imprisoned, it is fed with eggs, and if not enough food is provided, will turn on its owner. the master of such a demon can send it out and inflict harm on his/her enemy, who usually dies of a mysterious disease soon after. according to tradition, the BAJANG came from the body of a stillborn child, coaxed out of it by incantations.

BAOBHAN-SITH
a Scottish vampire that normally disguises itself as a beautiful maiden and lures its victims to their deaths. in fairylore, the BAOBHAN-SITH usually appears to be dressed in green.

BEBARLANGS
a tribe found in the Philippines that has members who practice a form of psychic vampirism. they apparently send out their astral bodies and feed on the life forces and vitality of their victims.

BHUTA
a vampire from India, created due to the violent death of an individual. the BHUTA is found in cemeteries or in dark desolate places, eating excrement and intestines.

BRAHMAPARUSH
a vampire from India that drinks the victim's blood through its skull, eats the brain, and proceeds to wrap the victim's intestines around its body and performs a ritual dance.

BRUXSA
a female vampire from Portugal transformed by witchcraft. she leaves her home at night in the form of a bird and torments weary lost travelers. she is said to appear as a beautiful maiden and leads a normal human life by day, bearing children, which in general becomes her regular form of food.

CHORDEWA
a witch found among the Oraons, able to turn her soul into a vampire cat. it is said that if the cat licks a person's lips, he/she will die soon after.

CHUREL
a vengeful ghostlike vampire found in India, normally a woman who died while pregnant during the Dewali Festival. she is said to hate life, with her greatest spite being kept for her relatives. the CHUREL is said to be vile in appearance, possessing pendant breasts, thick ugly lips, a black tongue, and unkept hair.

CIVATATEO
a witch-vampire found among the Aztecs. it is said to be a servant of various moon deities, and assumed to be noble women who died in childbirth. children are their favorite victims, dying soon after an attack of a wasting disease. they are said to appear with white faces, their hands covered in white chalk, and with crossbones drawn on their clothing.

no woman, no cry

*salamat, aiz. para sa mga litrato (na medyo ninakaw ko), at sa pag-imbita sa 'kin.

sa uulitin.*

under the waves in the blue of my oblivion

*napapagod na 'kong mag-isip kaya kakanta na lang muna ako.*

never is a promise
fiona apple

you'll never see -- the courage i know
its colors' richness won't appear within your view
i'll never glow -- the way that you glow
your presence dominates the judgements made on you

but as the scenery grows, i see in different lights
the shades and shadows undulate in my perception
my feelings swell and stretch; i see from greater heights
i understand what i am still too proud to mention -- to you

you'll say you understand, but you don't understand
you'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye
but never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie

you'll never touch -- these things that i hold
the skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
you'll never feel the heat of this soul
my fever burns me deeper than i've ever shown -- to you

you'll say, don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems
you'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high
but never is a promise and you can't afford to lie

you'll never live the life that i live
i'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
you'll never hear the message i give
you'll say it looks as though i might give up this fight

but as the scenery grows, i see in different lights
the shades and shadows undulate in my perception
my feelings swell and stretch, i see from greater heights
i realize what i am now too smart to mention -- to you

you'll say you understand, you'll never understand
i'll say i'll never wake up knowing how or why
i don't know what to believe in, you don't know who i am
you'll say i need appeasing when i start to cry
but never is a promise and i'll never need a lie

..you're only rubbing salt on my open wounds, and it'll only take awhile to be alright..

I.
lagi na lang bang ganito? hirap sa pagsisimula ng pagsusulat ng ipo-post? pero 'pag naumpisahan naman ay bumabaha ng mga isiping walang saysay at kaugnayan, na para bang bigla ka na lang na-hypnotize at naglakad ng tulog, at nagsimula kang humugot ng kung anik-anik mula sa kawalan? pati 'yung mga isyung dapat ay baon na sa limot, bigla na lang pumapaibabaw? pero kung tutuusin, 'di lang simpleng usapin ng kung anu ang mainam pag-usapan sa blog. mas pa sa totoong buhay, sa mga ralasyong pilit nating itinatayo, at pinagsusumikapang manatiling buo. nalilito na tuloy ako kung talaga bang sensitive ako sa damdamin at pangangailangan ng iba, o natatakot lang ba akong magsimulang muli, iwanan ang mga bagay na nakasanayan ko na? pero siguro magagawan ko din ng paraan 'yun, tulad ng pagsusulat. heto nga't nagawa kong paglaruan ang ilang pangungusap para makabuo ng isang disenteng post. pero hanggang kelan?

II.
mga ka-berks, nakapasok na nga pala ko kahapon, matapos ang halos isang linggo din na pakikipagbuno sa trangkaso. muntik na ngang panawan ng ulirat ang mama ko sa pag-aakalang baka na-dengue na 'ko, dahil umabot sa 42 ang temp ko. buti na lang hindi, kasi naisip ko na mas paranoid pa mga tao sa 'min sa magagastos sa ospital kung sakaling may dengue nga 'ko, kesa sa totoo kong lagay. napagtibay ang paniniwala kong 'di basta-basta namamatay ang mga masasamang damo, lalu na 'yung laking formalin at dinilig ng ihi. hehe. sabi ng mga bakla, pumayat daw ako. sabi ko, ikaw ba naman 'yung panguyain ng bioflu at cefalexin every 4 hours e tingnan natin kung 'di ka tunawan ng taba. gawin n'yong diyeta 'yung skyflakes at mirinda (pedi na din ang cheers, kung may mahahanap pa kayo), at tiyak na tatalunin n'yo pa sa pagka-buto't balat 'yung nasa video ng bridge, 'yung naka-wheelchair?

nung 'di pa ako nagkakasakit ng todo, lagi kong sinasabi na "sana magkasakit ako ng malala para pumayat na 'ko". mababaw? 'tapos nung nangyari na nga 'yun, todo hiling naman ako sa wish ko lang na sana gumaling na 'ko. hindi naman sa wala akong kakuntentuhan, pero napag-isip ako kung 'yun ba talaga ang gusto ko. naalala ko tuloy 'yung sinabi ni franz kafka, "it's often better to be in chains than to be free". ngayong maayos na ang pakiramdam ko, saan na 'ko papunta? balik na naman ba sa dating mga sakit na naiwan ko? e 'di parang hindi rin pala ako gumaling.

xs.
the title for this post is an excerpt taken from "i don't mind". kudos, mama cynthia.

shiver

*beaucoup de amour a tu, dylan -- para sa mga makabali-butong yakap. para sa pangingilabot sa tuwing magkakatawagan tayo sa mga tunay nating pangalan. para sa 'salbabida', 'di nakakapagtakang rubbing elbows na kayo ngayon ni lourd (hehe). para sa walang puknat na kuwentuhang uncensored kasama si bobet, habang lango sa carbonated water. para sa pag-akay sa 'kin pabalik sa literaturang pilipino. para kay rainer maria rilke, at sa kanyang 'letters to a young poet'; na walang pagdadamot mong ipinahiram sa 'kin (ibabalik ko na, pramis), gumulantang sa 'king pagkakatulala, at humamon sa lahat ng pinaniwalaan ko sa matagal na panahon. mas masaya na ngayon ang mga miyerkules ko dahil nakakasama na kitang muli.*

clenched soul
rainer maria rilke

we have lost even this twilight.
no one saw us this evening hand-in-hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.
i have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.
sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.
i remember you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
where were you then?
who else was there?
saying what?
why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when i am sad and feel you are far away?
the book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.
always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.