million-dollar cry baby

i've always had this impression to people that my heart's made of steel, more like adamantium. i remember having this ecclesiastical group session when i was in first year (coming from an exclusive-for-girls Catholic school), and as my classmate was sharing her fondest moments with her mom who died of breast cancer, i was fiddling with my pencil doing sketches while the rest of the class was soaked in tears. it was not because i don't have any sympathy to what she was going through, it's just that i thought crying with her won't help alleviate the pain, nor bring back what she had lost. this no-nonsense attitude intimidated people, making it hard for "outsiders" to pounce their way into my system. it worked wonders for me. i managed to create, build, and maintain relationships without compromising my beliefs. i was in control, and everything was smooth-sailing, until i met him. the force field i built around me went crumbling down because of one word: love. i was fighting it off at first, but he earned my trust. he showed me that i was worthy of that second look, despite me being physically & emotionally challenged. he reached his hand out saying that everything would be ok, then i let go and grasped him tight. and that's when i was rendered immobile, powerless, vulnerable. i lost myself in him. i held on to his word, something that he wasn't able to keep. i felt the same kind of loss that my classmate had, and it hit me hard. i would like to hate him for having done that to me, but i can't. i know right down in my gut that i am to blame, and i can't seem to forgive myself. now, even the most minute of things make me cry. i thought that this was the price i would have to pay (and still paying) for all the years i didn't shed a tear. i became a "softie", and even the mask i put on can no longer hide what's rotting inside. my friends say that i never really lost myself, that i can bring back whatever spark there is inside me, and let it burn again. but i'm starting to doubt if there is such a thing as "me" in the first place. i've exhausted all my resources, and right now, i don't know where to even begin. it seems like every time i push one step forward, i go 3 steps back. defeatist.